I would give anything to have a normal life. People complain to me about their lives and it’s the usual rant about how tired they are. I wish on a regular basis that that was my only issue.
I work in a hospital and I literally bargain with the powers that be or God all the time. Enlarged prostate? I’d would take that. Kidney stone got you doubled over in pain? Let’s switch.
I would take cancer of the eyeball. Untreated. Squirting puss everytime I sneeze if that would mean that I could live a peaceful existence.
Just a normal life where the worst thing..the one thing I had to complain about is lack of sleep or a parking ticket.
For most of my life my mom was fearless. A person that did what she had to do no matter what. I remember years ago my mom driving a little Honda winding through mountainous terrain in rain sleet and snow to get to work when we lived upstate New York. I would be in the back, face pressed up against the window looking at the signs on the road warning of danger ahead or looking down into the valley wondering what was keeping us on the road.
My mom worked 2 hours away from where we lived sometimes further if another hospital needed her. My dad wasn’t around so sometimes I got to go with her. While she worked night shift, she would find an empty hospital bed and tell me to be really quiet while watching TV. Afterwards, she would bring me to school or we would go home.
My mom was always working night or sleeping during the day so my knowledge of her is limited. I know that now that we live together.
Back then I thought my Mom was self reliant because she did things herself. Now I know she was too scared to ask for help. Back then I thought my mom was no nonsense. Now I know she overreacted and was spiteful. All of these things I had to unlearn about my mom and I now find myself hating her. I feel guilty about it.
I’m not sure what to do now.
There is a song by Babyface called “When Can I See You” it fairly old but I recently came upon it on my Spotify. It is the sappiest of sappy love songs about someone not getting over a breakup and wanting to see their ex again. It’s a pretty song and a long time ago that’s what I listen to when I was crying trying to get over someone.
Now the song has new meaning. At least to me in this phase of my life. I’m not trying to get over someone, just trying to get out from this dark cloud.
So the other day I was laying in my bed and skipping through old R & B jams. Its what I usually do to calm racing thoughts. I got to this song and stopped at this part…
When can my heart beat again?
When does the pain ever end?
When do the tears stop from running over?
When does “you’ll get over it” begin?
I have been battling with depression for most of my life and at that moment this verse resonated with me the most. If there was ever a summation of words that expressed what day to day life felt like while depressed or even the questions I ask myself on a regular basis.. this is definitely it. As I heard the lyrics I sighed and turned my head into the pillow and began bawling my eyes out. I felt like I shouting these lyrics to the universe.
How old is too old to turn your life around? Can you go to school when you are in your 70’s? Can you have a moment on your 60th birthday like in the movies, where the music reaches a crescendo and your eyes widen. Fuck! I should really stop doing crack or blowing guys behind the 7-11…
Anyway..on paper I feel like I look like I have everything together. I work 2 jobs. I got to school. I get good grades. I have never been evicted. What sucks is, I feel like I’m in this really shitty place in my life. I should have been done with school. I should have had a house already. I should have been a world renowned traveller author extraordinaire. Like yesterday. Why am I in class with a bunch of tweens? This sucks. Insert anxiety here.
The other night I went out with a MeetUp group with my boyfriend to do a trivia night. Check comes and my card gets declined. This is not the first time this has happened in front of said boyfriend. Its the 2nd. Both of the times had nothing to do with funds but does not make it suck any less. I felt like going home and doing crack. Mind you …I’ve never done it before but that whole fucking embarrassing shit hurt like hell. My bf was gracious and no one pointed and laughed at me it just sucked.
I have a stalker. True blue, hides in the bushes, comes to my job, calls my phone and hangs up…stalker. I have been dealing with this stalker for over 2 years. Let me explain:
I used to live in an apartment complex. Lets call it Fuckery Apartment Complex. Fuckery is a huge complex with 1 -3 bedroom apartments. I lived upstairs and my soon to be stalker lived downstairs, beneath me. He moved in months after I did. Days came and went. I went to work and to school as most people do. Then weird things started to happen. I would come home from work and see him staring at me from his window. One day I found a post-it note on my car that said “you look nice”. The handwriting was shakey and childlike. I balled it up and threw it on the ground. My door bell would ring mysteriously. One day while hanging something on the wall in the stairwell, my doorbell rang. I heard is door shut. Furious i banged on his door and yelled “DONT FUCKING TOUCH MY DOORBELL”. It never happened again. He just upgraded his antics. I would hear banging in the middle of the night or his stereo turned up to full blast then turned down. This would continue everyday until i moved out months later. He would also put glue on my car and throw rocks at my car.
One day i confronted him and he pulled out a large knife and said “if you dont shut up im gonna slit your throat”. I called the police. They came and did nothing. They took a report and a month later we went to court. He had a lawyer i did not. He got off. There were no witnesses they said. He pulled a knife in the middle of the day and no one saw? Hes 66 years old, why would he do that?
I had to go back to my apartment. He went back to his. Beneath me. I wanted t o set the place on fire. I wanted to die. I didnt understand how this could happen. I blamed myself. Maybe I should have said ‘hi’ to him. Maybe I should not have been so distant. That day he was standing in front of my door..maybe I should have invited him up. Then this would not have happened.
It took a while to get the money to move but i did. In the mean time, whatever he could do to make me suffer he did. My car was damaged, I never slept and had constant panic attacks. Sometimes I would stay with a coworker or a friend, but even still I was constantly worried about my apartment or having to return the next day. I stopped eating and stopped smiling. Friends called me paranoid and some stopped speaking to me. “Attention seeking” some said.
One night my car had so much glue on the winshield I could not see to drive. Since there is security at my job i asked him to take a look. Before we even got to my car the security guard starting yelling at me. “How do you know it was him?” “It raining! Your car looks like every other car!” “Dont call the police they are just going to laugh at you”. I called the police anyway. The police saw what I saw. I felt so relieved. He said my next task is to get the security footage from my job. My job told me that i would need a court order to get the footage. I was livid. The next day security at my job avoided me. If I was walking a hallway they would back up and go down another.
I saved my money and moved again. High rise building with security and cameras. He still found me. He is still doing damage to my car. I called the police, a detective came out and said “I dont have time to look through the footage” and just left. Everyone has suggestions and had grandiose ideas; “if it was me I would’ve (beat, maimed, set ablaze etc) he would have never messed with me.”